CONTENTi BLOG presents BEST

Showing posts with label English. Show all posts
Showing posts with label English. Show all posts

Friday, June 5, 2009

Children Innocence(ENGlisH)

TOO SWEET FOR WORDS!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I
get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on
it!'

Indian - American (ENGLISH)

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood;

His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was
shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten
chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to
himself.


Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.

When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into
a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.
Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on
with other stuff.


The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his
gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big
fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man.

"I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot
stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .


The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are
mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in
order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk,
and listen to bullshit.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Cool Hilarious Jokes

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer 
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in 
turn.
 
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. 
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the 
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
 
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in 
Dubai, the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.
 
When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.
 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
 
The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. 
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.
 
One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars 
notice and fall silent.
 
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," 
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere 
condolences on your great loss. "
 
The man  looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," 
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .
 
" The only thing is 
I just quit drinking!!! ...

Installing Husband on Your PC.. (ENGLISH)

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system
performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NEWS
5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman


DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: i thought you loved me. html and try to
download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt
3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should
then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0
or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that
will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support
 

Funny SANTA Jokes (Hindi & English)


Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled?
When asked him, he said,
"Oye, that's for those who don't know Swimming.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals (Shoes) are new

Sardar: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

Sardar in airplane going to Bombay . While its landing he was excited and shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"
Sardarji replied: "I Mr. YOU" !!.


After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch & Finally Said: "Oye, Torch is okay"
 

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I think U r very careless!!! (Eng1ish + Hindi)

U come & leave things behind!!!!
See now what u have left??
U just came in my mind &
Left a smile on my face....

............ ......... ......... ...

God picked up a flower n dipped it in dew,
He lovingly touched it, & it turned into u.
And then he gifted it to me n said this friend is 4 u.


............ ......... ......... ....

Har shaks ko diwana bana deti hai dosti
Mili nazar to fasana bana deti hai dosti
Dil ke mariz ho to kar lo dosti
Har dil ko dhadakna sikha deti hai dosti


............ ......... ......... ....

Tumse hi Dosti, Tumhara hi Intezar,
Tumhare bina Dil rehta hai Bekarar,
Tumhari yeh Saadgi, Tumhara yeh Pyar,
Jeevan bhar na bhool payenge is Dosti ko Yaar...

DONT MISS THIS POST..You Know You Grew Up in India in the 90s if : (eNGLISH)

You Know You Grew Up in India in the 90s if :


1) You know the words to 'In-pin-safety-pin' and 'akkad-bakkad' by heart
2) Cricket is almost a religion for you, and you idolize at least one of Kapil Dev/Rahul Dravid/Sachin Tendulkar/Saurav Ganguly
3) You have read at least some Chacha Chaudhary or Tinkle comics
4) You've watched Shaktimaan on TV at least once in your life. And you can immediately recognize the character when you see him.
5) You have some 'NRI' relatives.
6) You couldn't wait for it to be December so you could have the Toblerone chocolates your NRI relatives brought you
7) You watched Cartoon Network, and then the late night movies on TNT that came after Cartoon Network ended.
8) You watched corny dubbed versions of Small Wonder, Silver Spoon, and I Dream of Jeanie
9) You were THRILLED when McDonald's opened in your neighborhood (or even eight kilometers away)
10) Your first burgers were at Wimpy's or Nirula's.
11) A visit to Pizza Hut used to mean a special treat
12) You have seen Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun at least 5 times each
13) You still remember the theme song to Hum Paanch.
14) You have played hours upon hour of Pukdam-pakdai, oonch-neech, kho-kho, 'Doctor, doctor, help us!', 'Lock and key'
15) You have played 'Uma Joshi' more times than you can remember.
16) Dog 'in' the bone was your favorite co-ed game.
17) Much of your free time in school was spent playing UNO.
18) You collected trump cards of wrestlers, cricketers, and airplanes, and did not quite understand why your younger siblings were obsessed with Pokemon and the other Japanese trends that followed.
19) Your summer vacations were often synonymous with visiting your grandparents
20) Your parents, at some point, told you 'Dark Room' was a bad game to play. But you still loved playing it.
21) Bole mere lips, I love uncle Chips!
22) You know the song 'Made in India ' by Alisha Chinoi
23) You have seen many many many episodes of 'Antakshri' on Zee TV and know the only thing constant in the show is Anu Kapoor.
24) Amy evenings have been spent watching little kids gyrate vulgarly on Boogie Woogie on Sony.
25) You were the coolest thing in class if you had a computer in your house while it was still the 90s.
26) You learnt LOGO in school!
27) You couldn't wait to start 4th/6th standard so you could start writing with PENS instead of with pencils!
28) You often used terms and phrases like 'kutti', 'batti', 'same to you, back to you, with no returns', and 'shame shame, puppy shame, all the donkeys know your name.'
29) You most probably saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge at the cinema at least once. You also fantasized singing songs in mustard fields like in the movie.
30) You have seen David Dhawan and Govinda movies and laughed at them.
31) You have said 'haw' when you saw people kissing in English movies
31) You have seen Titanic at least 12 times.
32) You thought seeing English movies and speaking English made you the coolest thing ever.
33) You remember the Orissa cyclone, even though you didn't know what a cyclone was.
34) You remember the Gujarat earthquake very clearly and could possibly tell everyone EXACTLY what you were doing when the earthquake occurred.
35) Barbies for girls, and GI Joes for boys were the ultimate status symbols. You just wanted more more more and more. And how can I forget Hot Wheels, for both boys and girls? I personally have a collection of over 200 little Hot Wheels cars.
36) You have worn Osh-Kosh B'gosh and United Colours of Benetton clothes while growing up. And you thought 'imported' clothes were definitely way better than 'made in India' clothes (never mind that a lot of clothes brought from overseas by NRI relatives were actually made in India, before 'Made in China' started appearing on EVERY existing thing)
37) You know the words to 'Posham Paa', and like it better than ' Oranges and Lemons' even though you'd sing the latter to sound cool (see 32 above).
38) At some point or other, cool was your favourite, and therefore, most overused word.
39) Captain Planet was your first introduction to environmental consciousness.
40) You have tried to convince people around you to not burst crackers on Diwali, and then gone straight back home and burst them yourself.
41) You have had endless packets of Parle Gluco G biscuits, and of Brittania Little Hearts biscuits.
42) You loved licking off the cream from the centre of Bourbon biscuits.
43) There were no Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Puma- Bata and Liberty was the way to go for your sports shoes.
44) You have probably consumed more Frooti in your lifetime than there is oil in Iraq .
45) You watched Baywatch on Star World even though (or because) your parents said you shouldn't watch it.
46) You bought packets of potato chips for the specific purpose of collecting Tazoa. And you had Tazos depicting everyone from Confucius to Daffy Duck to Daffy Duck dressed as Confucius.
47) For the longest time, the Maruti 800, the Premier Padmini, THE Fiat, and THE Ambassador were the only cars you saw on the road, and the Contessa was cool because it was bigger.
48) You would literally jump up in excitement if you ever chanced upon an imported car (Oh my gosh, is that really a MERCEDES?)!
49) You spent a good part of 1998 drooling over the Hyundai Santro and the Daewoo Matiz , debating which one was better.
50) You used to Fuzen gum. You also chewed Big (big) Babool and/or Boom Boom Boomer chewing gum.. They were bright pink and disgusting tasting, but you loved them for the temporary tattoos.
51) Talking of temporary tattoos, you sometimes had contests with your classmates about who had more tattoos on their arm, leg, knee, hand, forehead, wherever.
52) You thought Mario and Tetris were the coolest things ever invented, especially if you were a boy..
53) You knew that having the latest Hero or Atlas bicycle would make you the coolest kid on the block.
54) You can imitate Sushmita Sen's winning gasp to perfection.
55) You have, at some point of time, worn GAP clothes (real or fake) like SRK in KKHH.
56) Seemingly senseless acronyms like SRK, DDLJ, KKHH actually make sense to you.
57) You have at some point debated who was more beautiful- Aishwarya or Sushmita.
58) If you lived in Delhi , you went bowling at Essex Farms, or Go-Karting at 32nd Milestone and couldn't think how you could get any cooler than that.
59) Baskin Robbins ice-cream was THE thing to have!
60) You know what Campa Cola is. And you also knew that Coca Cola was THE drink.
61) When you would watch WWF keenly every evening/afternoon and really think that Undertaker had 7 lives and he made an "actual" appearance in the Akshay Kumar- starrer Khiladiyon ka Khiladi.
62) When all backpacks (or 'schoolbags') and water bottles and tiffin boxes had strange cartoon characters that were hybrid versions of seven or eight different characters, and you still bought them, because a green man wih a water pistol, boots, a jet-pack, Johnny bravo hair, a rajasthani mustache, gloves, and underwear (long johns) over his pants, called 'Mr. X' was OBVIOUSLY a status symbol.
63) You remember the Nirma tikia jingle.
64) You remember the Nirma girl.
65) You remember the 'doodh doodh' ad and also the 'roz khao andey' ads.
66) You grew up reading, if you read at all, some or all of Nancy Drews, Enid Blyton books, Hardy Boys, Babysitters Club, Animorphs, Goosebumps, Sweet Valley series, Judy Blumes, and Tintin, or Archie comics. Because naturally, reading foreign authors made you much coller than reading Tinkle.
67) Towards the late 90s (1998-99) at least some of us started our Harry Potter obsessions!
68) You absolutely HAD to go to Essel World if you wnet to Mumbai! "Essel World mein rahoonga main, ghar nahin nahin jaaonga main!"
69) You watched the Bournvita Quiz contest on TV pretty religiously. The smarter ones amongst you actually took part in it and had your entire school and your entire extended families watch you on it!
70) "Jungle jungle baat chali hai, pata chala hai. Chaddi pehen ke phool khila hai, phool khila!"
71) Maggi 2 Minute Noodles = ultimate snack (and tiffin, lunch, dinner)!
72) If you grew up in the early 90s, you recall the nation's obsession with Mahabharata on TV
73) In the later 90s, you religiously followed Hip Hip Hooray on Zee. Maybe Just Mohabbat on Sony too.
74) You eagerly awaited Friendship Day, so you could give friendship bands to all your friends, and get bands from them in return. Then, of course, those with the most bands loved to show them off (and on Rakhi, boys with the most Rakhis loved showing those off too!)

75) This list made you smile J

Good Morning....Must Read (English)

24 sweet hrs make 1 sweet day,
7 sweet day make 1 sweet week,
4 sweet weeks make 1 sweet month,
But sweet person like u makes a whole life sweet.

...sweet morning

............ ......... ............


Fly in the plane of Ambition & Land in the Airport of Success...

Luck is yours,Wish is mine...
May Ur future always shine... Good Morning....


........... ......... ............


An ideal day should begin with a cute little yawn on ur face,

A cup of coffe in ur hand & a msg from me on ur mobile...

Have a great day! Good morning.


............ ......... ............


Morning greetings doesn't only mean saying Good Morning,

It has a silent message saying: I remember you when I wake up

! Have a nice day!

We Hire Texan (EnGli$h)

Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.
First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me."
Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me."
The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700."
The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?"
"Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."

Friday, May 29, 2009

Attitude

There was a man who made a living selling balloons at a fair.
He had all colors of balloons,including red,yellow,blue and green.
Whenever business was slow,he would release a helium-filled balloon into
the air and when the children saw it go up,they all wanted to buy one.

They would come up to him,buy a balloon,and his sales would go up
again.He continued this process all day.

One day he felt someone tugging at his jacket.
He turned around to saw a little boy who asked, "If you release a black
balloon,would that also fly ? "

Moved by the boy's concern,the man replied with empathy, "Son,it is not
the color of the balloon,it is what is inside that makes it go up. "

The same thing applies to our lives.
It is what is inside that counts.
The things inside of us makes us go up is our ATTITUDE.

If you have a right/positive attitude towards your LIFE then you will
succeed no matter what.......no matter what your KUNDLI tells
you............no matter what an ASTROLOGER tells you........no matter
what your ENEMIES tell you.......

If some ASTROLOGER tells you that STOCK MARKETS are not good for you and
stay away from it..........Then make your own decision.....IF u play
your moves at the right time and on the right stock........then no
matter what u will keep on earning.

It is not only about STOCK MARKETS..........it is also about anything
that someone has told you not to do.......If u are really interested in
doing a particular GOOD THING........then JUST DO IT.

Don't LIVE your Life as though you have already DIED,
DIE as if you have LIVED upto your 100%.

BEST OF LUCK

A Kiss of Forever

A Kiss of Forever
 
The first time I felt your lips
I thought it was merely a dream
I opened my eyes and to my surprise
The most handsome eyes I've ever seen.
 
I don't know why you love me
But because of that I know dreams come true
All I want is love and devotion
Honesty and faithfulness from you.
 
Since that very first day we kissed
I just couldn't let it go
I'd found a love to last forever
And so much to experience and know.
 
I couldn't believe what I was staring at
You stole my heart away
I love you with all my heart
More and more each day.
 
Whenever things get really rough
And there's times I begin to miss
I just close my eyes and begin to dream
And remember our first kiss.
 
I can't remember any kisses before you
But it doesn't matter now
I still can't believe it
The feelings in that kiss I had found.
 
It all just came in one day
Two people who were perfect together
And I found it all in one precious touch
In that priceless kiss of forever.
 

Mix SMS Jokes (Hindi N Engli$h)

1) Sardar: should I buy tickets to my children.
Conductor: yes, only if they are above 8.
Sardar: thank God I Have only 6 children.

****************************************************************************
***********************************

2) Lab pe Aati hai dua ban k tmana meri,
Dil karta he band karvadu sim teri.
noor dunia ka mere dam se ujala ho jaey,
Jo mujhe msg na kry uska rang kala ho jae.

****************************************************************************
***********************************

3) Dekh tere sansar ki halat kya ho gai bhagwan !
Kitna badal gaya insaan!
Na SMS Na koi miss-call, Na koi bhi call
Ham bhi hue hairan kitna Busy hua SHAITAN!

****************************************************************************
***********************************

4) GHAJINI Dekhne K Baad Ye Ehsas Hua Ki
Hum Bhi Aamir Khan Se Kuch Kum Nahi He

Hum Bibi Ki Sunte He Samajhte He
Aur 15Min Baad Bhul Jate He.

****************************************************************************
***********************************

5) HI Meri Jaan...
..

..

..

..

..

Nikal Rahi Hai..
Sardi aur Zukam Se..
Log Pata Nahi
Kya Kya
Samaj Lete Hai.

Ha.. Ha..

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Every MOM's Advice to his SON

Every Mom's advice to her son ………..
 
1960's Mom to her son— beta, apne caste ki ladki
 se hi shaadi karna
 
 
 1970's…………………….. Apne religion ki
 
 
1980's ……………………. Apne level ki
 
  
1990's ……………………. Apne desh ki
  
 
2000 ……………………. Apni umar ki
 
.
 
.
 
.
 
.
 
 
 
2009 AFTER WATCHING DOSTANA
……………………. Koi bhi ho,
 
Par Beta Ladki se hi karna….…..….. !!!
 
KYUNKI
MAA DA LADLA VIGARD GAYA
 
HE HE HE

So Wrong, But So FUNNY (Engli$h)

A woman takes a lover home during the day
while her husband is at work.

Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door..

Wait For It !!

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'